A few weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to cut my own hair, I’ve done it before but now I wanted to go even shorter. It did not work, it came out crooked and I cried, stood there for ten minutes with half of my hair short and half long, until I took a resigned breath and proceeded to finish the haircut and salvage it as much as a I could, I looked like a ten year old, hated it, hated myself for being so cocky to thing I could do something like that.
The next morning I broke the screen on my phone.
This got me into a whirlwind of negative thoughts, about myself and how I can’t do anything right, that I’m a failure, I’m too clumsy, too this or too that… And I concluded that I needed to find something, anything in which I’m naturally good at, that this was going to be my cure, if I could do one thing right then maybe I’m not such a fail.
To me, this one thing that comes to me naturally, is empathy. Even though I wanted something more concrete, like “i can cook the best white rice” or “I can walk for 5 miles and not get tired” I realized that empathy came really easy to me, I can relate to other people’s problems or notice when someone is smiling less than usual, and it downed on me, this was my first step towards self love.
But it can feel like trying to follow a trend sometimes, this self love journey, with so many articles giving you the 5 step recipe to achieve it or brands trying to sell you products because you “love yourself” and you deserve it, sometimes making us confuse self-indulgence with self-love.
We tend to be nice to other, show more sensitivity and understand others’ perspective but at the same time be terrible to ourselves. But there really is a change when you focus on improving the way you talk to yourself. When you love yourself as a whole, even the parts you want to change. I figured that if I could connect with other people’s feelings and understand them and their reactions, I can do the same about my own feelings.
So, slowly, I’m starting to develop a positive attitude and start my day with words of affirmation, acknowledging the things I do and how it brings me joy. Of course there are still going to be bad days, and bad haircuts, but hair grows and things will definitely be alright.